Update On Sexual Harassment
July 26, 2021
This morning I spoke with the guy who harassed me last week in the locker room. I’ll tell you how that went in a minute. But first, I have to address the comments that came in from my post last week.
The sexual harassment I received from the guy in the locker room felt awkward and violating, but I still doubt it will leave lasting pain for reasons I explained in my original post. In contrast, I feel far more violated and unsafe as a result of the victim shaming responses I received from some of you here on Facebook and in DMs in response to my post. If there is lasting damage to me from this experience, it will be the result of that. One guy actually messaged me privately and told me I was acting like a teenage girl. Really!? Sexism and victim shaming in one fell swoop!
Most of the responses I received were supportive, consoling, and wise. But a few respondents truly do not understand the dynamics of sexual perpetration. So let me spell it out. ANY intimate touch that is unwanted is abusive. PERIOD. Examples include touch initiated without the victim’s awareness (e.g., touching from behind), without the victim’s permission (e.g., groping, grabbing or kissing), by force (e.g., threats or physical restraint), or after the victim has already indicated they don’t want it (e.g., continuing after the person has said “No” with words or body language.)
Mutually desired touch is beautiful and fun and is arrived at through a clear process of signals and responses. I’m not going to explain that process, because those of you who need to have it explained probably won’t understand me if I try. But for sure, the process doesn’t start with an ass-grab or a kiss. If you’re unsure whether the other person wants your touch, don’t touch them! And it’s okay to ask directly. For example, “I want to touch you. Is that okay?” I said that once on a date and it led to a long-term mutually enjoyable sexual relationship.
It’s not wrong to have sexual fantasies about the kind of touch that I’m defining as abusive. Some people get off on the idea of groping or being groped, or even being raped. You have a right to your own fantasies. Some people also enjoy living out those fantasies with other people; it seems that some of you like the idea of being groped or forcibly kissed. Again, you have the right to want that. But it is NOT okay to act out those fantasies on another person unless you have their permission to do so. No one has the right to live out their fantasies on another person unless that person is a willing participant. And just because boundary crossing is the norm at a gay club doesn't mean it's acceptable.
Also, it is inappropriate and hurtful to question the intentions or responsibility of someone who says they’ve been harassed or abused. That amounts to a second victimization, which can be even more harmful than the original abuse. A few of you who commented on my last post did just that toward me and toward some others who commented. The comments by Francis Jay S. Tecson to Adiel Azuara were particularly horrifying. Adiel, I’m sorry you were subjected to that. Francis, you are wrong. Please don’t comment on topics like this again until you understand why.
As for my self-inquiry about whether I might be sending “vibes,” I consider that appropriate because the inquiry was initiated by ME as a matter of personal risk management. I feel wise for asking myself those questions. It wasn’t about me trying to change the past (e.g., “I shouldn’t have worn a Speedo”) or taking blame for his behavior (e.g., “Is it my fault?”). I’m completely clear that he is 100% culpable for the harassment. But the same realistic view of life that prevents me from sauntering across a busy freeway also compels me to avoid putting myself into harm’s way sexually. This is one of the reasons I don’t frequent gay clubs. I have the right to self-inquiry. But you don’t have the right to impose it on me by suggesting I’m responsible. And for the record, the outcome of my self-inquiry is that I believe his ass grab was unavoidable unless: A) I didn’t look like I do, or B) I was prescient and capable of completely avoiding him.
One more response before I tell you about my conversation with the perpetrator. A few people asked whether I would have welcomed the ass-grab if the perpetrator had been attractive. No, I would not. Being violated is not my fantasy. And why would I want to form a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand boundaries?
Now, for the outcome of my conversation this morning. I greeted him in my typically friendly manner. He greeted me back. Then I said, “Would you please do me a favor and don’t ever grab my ass again? It made me very uncomfortable.” He quickly said he was sorry and said something else that seemed apologetic though I couldn’t make it out due to gym noise. I said, “Have a good workout.” He said, “You to.” End of discussion. My guess is that he is just clueless about social propriety. Hopefully, he’s a little more aware now. And I feel a sense of relief that this experience won’t be hanging over me at the gym.
If you have been a victim of sexual harassment or sexual abuse, please don’t expect that your situation should be as easy to resolve as mine was. I was very fortunate to be the target of a clueless but ultimately harmless (to me at least) perpetrator. The stories of abuse I’ve heard in my job as a therapist have never been as simple as mine; I’m not holding myself up as an example of abuse resolution. But I am imploring you to seek help if you haven’t already.