Counseling for People in Mixed-Orientation Marriages
Gay-affirmative therapy for LGBTQ individuals in mixed‑orientation marriages—clarity, healing and choice-making. Trauma-informed • EMDR • IFS • Brainspotting. In‑person in Draper, Utah and throughout Utah via telehealth.
Like many of my clients, I lived in a mixed‑orientation marriage (MOM).
For 34 years, I loved my wife, raised children, served in church, and tried everything to make the marriage work. Coming out meant shattering the only life my family had known. The ensuing divorce was painful, public, and spiritually disorienting, and I’m still navigating its emotional and financial aftershocks.
If you’re reading this, you may be at one of several crossroads:
You feel increasing urgency to be honest with your partner, but you fear what that might mean for your marriage.
You’ve tried rounds of conversion therapy or church‑sponsored programs and still feel torn and anguished.
You’re contemplating separation but fear devastating your spouse, children, or faith community.
You want to stay in your marriage but it's getting harder and harder to withstand power of your attractions.
You already divorced but now face co‑parenting decisions, loneliness, and identity‑integration challenges.
Wherever you are, you deserve a therapist who knows the landscape firsthand—and has the clinical tools to guide you toward clarity, compassion, and sustainable next steps.
David Matheson Counseling offers inclusive, LGBTQ friendly therapy for gay and lesbian individuals navigating the complexities of mixed‑orientation marriages. Using evidence‑based, trauma-informed modalities and lived experience, I help clients honor commitments, protect children, and embrace authenticity—whether that leads to renewed partnership or respectful separation. I am a licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor in Draper, Utah. I also work with clients via secure telehealth throughout Utah.
Is This Page Speaking to You?
See if any of these experiences resonate with you:
“I love my spouse, but physical intimacy is absent or feels forced.”
“Religious doctrine says divorce and homosexuality are wrong—yet staying where I am feels like slow emotional death.”
“We’ve promised to keep our situation secret to protect kids and church callings, but the weight is crushing me.”
“I can’t tell if my agony is selfishness, depression, or genuine incompatibility.”
“We need a roadmap for separation that minimizes harm and honors everyone’s dignity.”
If so, counseling for individuals in Mixed‑Orientation Marriages can offer the structure and emotional safety you need.
How Therapy Helps
Therapy offers a structured, evidence‑based process to move you from crisis to clarity:
Map Your Inner Parts & Clarify Core Needs – Through Internal Family Systems (IFS) work, we meet the protective parts that keep you closeted, the exiled parts longing for authenticity, and the calm Self that can lead them. From this grounded place you can name non‑negotiables, hopes, and fears—without blame and without needing your spouse present.
Process Shame & Grief – EMDR and Brainspotting target memories of such things as church discipline and marital distress, fears of disappointing your family, or guilt and shame over "sinful" behavior so they lose their debilitating charge.
Skill‑Build for Compassionate Communication – Through discussion and feedback, prepare yourself to disclose your orientation, past behaviors, or separation and divorce plans to your spouse, church leader, or extended family members .
Do the Hard Things – If you decide it’s time to come out, separate from your spouse, or step away from your church, therapy offers step‑by‑step support so each move is respectful, transparent, and aligned with your deepest values.
Possible Results
Below are outcomes my clients commonly report:
Reduced crisis intensity—less panic, depression, and obsessive rumination.
Clearer decision‑making grounded in personal and shared values rather than fear.
Healthier partner interactions so that you can be honest and respectful while also developing and maintaining appropriate boundaries.
Greater self‑compassion—replacing self‑blame with understanding and dignity.
Smoother legal and financial negotiations thanks to emotional regulation and collaborative communication.
Why Work With Me?
Here are a few reasons gay and lesbian individuals navigating mixed‑orientation marriages trust me with this complex, delicate, and confusing journey:
Lived experience and compassionate insight – I lived a mixed‑orientation marriage for 34 years and know the terrain of secrecy, betrayal, heartbreak, and liberation.
Specialized experience – For nearly 30 years I have been working almost exclusively with gay men and lesbian women who have an extremely wide variety of life circumstances and goals. This has provided me with unusual insight and clinical experience.
Trauma‑informed expertise – EMDR Certified (Level 2), Internal Family Systems (IFS)‑informed, and advanced training in Brainspotting.
Clinical credentials – Master of Science in Counseling/Guidance (Clinical Track) from Brigham Young University; Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (Utah).
Accessible care – I work with clients in‑person in Draper, Utah or through encrypted telehealth across Utah, including Salt Lake City, Ogden, Provo, and rural areas.
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FAQs
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I provide individual therapy for gay or lesbian people living in (or recovering from) a mixed‑orientation marriage. An occasional joint session with your spouse can be arranged if both partners feel it would help with communication or closure, but regular couples counseling is not my specialty.
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Absolutely not. My role is to help you examine every viable path, surface the inevitable sacrifices and trade‑offs each option carries, and make an informed decision that honors your core values. Mixed‑orientation marriages always involve difficult choices. Therapy’s role is to provide a neutral, supportive space to weigh your realities without judgment and move forward with clarity and compassion.
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I typically use Internal Family Systems (IFS) to map clients' protective and exiled parts—helping them understand why secrecy, anger, or detachment show up. Eye‑Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR) is useful for desensitizing painful or shameful events (e.g., guilt of infidelity, ecclesiastical discipline, trauma from across the lifespan). Brainspotting offers rapid somatic relief when words fail, such as intense bodily reactions during difficult discussions. This triad provides cognitive, emotional, and physiological healing paths.
With that foundation in place, I often add EMDR to desensitize specific trauma memories and install adaptive beliefs your nervous system can trust.
When distress lives more in the body than in words, Brainspotting pinpoints eye positions that access the stored activation tied to religious experiences or ideology, allowing the nervous system to release that charge.
Blending these three modalities creates a holistic, neuroscience‑supported pathway from survival to integration and authentic living.
Research shows these three systems are effective via secure video.
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In addition to 34 years lived experience in a MOM, I am a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (CMHC) in Utah with a Master of Science in Counseling/Guidance (Clinical Track) from Brigham Young University. I am an EMDR Certified Therapist (Level 2), an IFS‑informed practitioner, have advanced training in Brainspotting, and am a trauma‑informed therapist. More
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Click here for information on my fee and which insurance companies I work with.
Ready to Heal?
Mixed‑orientation marriages involve extraordinary courage and heartbreak. Whether your path leads toward renewed partnership or respectful separation, qualified, empathetic guidance can make all the difference. In-person sessions in Draper, Utah and online via secure telehealth throughout Utah.
Schedule a free consultation.
