I Was Sexually Harassed Today

July 23, 2021

I never anticipated having this experience because I’m a rather large and potentially intimidating male. But yes, even people like me can experience sexual harassment. Here’s the situation. There’s a man at my gym that I regularly say “hi” to and chat with briefly. He’s friendly and I’m friendly back. Over the past months his interest in my body has gradually become apparent. I’ve been swimming this week and a few days ago he was in the locker room when I finished. He repeatedly looked me up and down, shaking his head with pleasure, and said something about me being a “Speedo king.” It was flattering, though a little awkward, but no big deal.

This morning, he stalked me overtly, watching me through the glass from outside the pool, at one point coming into the pool area to talk to me. When I finished swimming and went to the locker room, he almost immediately appeared beside me. His locker was right next to mine. After I took off my Speedo, he grabbed my naked ass and made a comment about it being firm.

This did not come out of the blue. The same man grabbed my ass a few months ago, though that time it was briefer and I was wearing a towel. I laughed it off at the time—after all this guy is in his early 60s and I probably exceed his stature by ten inches and 90 pounds. Plus, I excused him with some vague conjecture that such behavior might be normal in his non-Anglo culture—an excuse akin to the “locker room banter” nonsense Trump and his followers tried to foist on us.

When he groped me this morning, I didn’t laugh it off. I said, “What are you doing?!” After a moment or two of awkward silence, he resorted to small talk and I let it pass. But I felt pretty uncomfortable as I finished drying off and dressing.

There are so many things to consider. First, what do I do now? A friend I spoke with today helped me get clear that I really must tell the man directly not to touch me again. My plan was to wait on that until the next time I found myself alone beside him in the locker room. But that pretty much assures he’ll do it again since he does it when I’m not expecting.

And why would I even consider putting off the confrontation? Well, because I don’t like confrontation. I tell myself it’s because I don’t want to embarrass him—I mean, he’s a friend. However, he NEEDS to feel embarrassed. His behavior is shameful. Plus, if I actually care about him, I will absolutely wake him up to the wrongness of his behavior.

Looking a bit deeper, I recognize that I’m actually afraid of his response. What if he IS embarrassed? Or worse—what if he’s belligerent or dismissive? What if he gaslights me? He can’t possibly hurt me physically—he’s small and frail compared to me. But his response could be emotionally distressing to me. Then he will have succeeded in victimizing me twice!

Looking even deeper into myself, I see that I’m projecting onto him my own dread of ever being confronted about wrongdoing. I don’t like being called on my shit so why would I do that to someone else? There’s some bastardized compassion for you! The truth is that if I ever overstep someone’s boundaries like he has, I don’t want collusion. I want to be made aware so as not to persist in douchery.

This incident also raises questions about the roles of gender and sexual orientation in harassment. Though this man has previously mentioned having a wife, he certainly doesn’t seem straight to me. And he’s undoubtedly aware that I’m gay—among other indicators, I have repeatedly worn to the gym a tank top emblazoned with “GAY AF.” So I wonder: do gay men feel entitled to grope other gay men? The friend I spoke with today, who is male, confided in me that he’s been repeatedly groped by women. Do women feel entitled to grope men?

Another consideration for me here is whether I’m transmitting a vibe that has encouraged his attentions. This question is not to transfer to myself his responsibility for wrongdoing. Even though I was standing naked in front of this guy looking like a “Speedo king,” it’s not my fault that he groped me. I was in a locker room. It’s normal to get naked in locker rooms. And I’m friendly, which is also normal. But, I can’t deny that I like being looked at. I have enough body insecurity that it feels reassuring to be viewed as an attractive object. Does that come across as an invitation? At the very least, I sent a clear condoning message when I laughed off his first infraction weeks ago. That’s on me.

The final piece of this for me is that I now have a very small understanding of what it’s like to be sexually harassed. It turned sour something that was previously beautiful. I love being naked and unashamed. Nudity is one of my favorite pastimes. Despite insecurities, I like my body. And, if I’m honest, I’ll admit I like showing it off. But this morning that was tarnished a bit by another man’s lack of propriety and restraint.

I don’t see myself being scarred by this. I’ll set a boundary with this guy Monday morning and move on a bit wiser. But I hope I’m forever changed by the experience. I hope I never return to the relative naiveté I had yesterday about sexual harassment and abuse. As a therapist, I’ve heard probably thousands of stories of male sexual trauma, and I’ve felt genuine compassion and grief about them. But it was always something that happened to someone else, far away and long ago. This happened to ME this morning!

So it’s different now. I can feel and imagine, in a more personal way, things that were mostly clinical or hypothetical to me yesterday. I’m capable of more immediate compassion toward women for the endless ways in which men have tarnished their beautiful sexuality. And I’m now intimately aware that, in addition to “Me Too,” there is also, “Men Too.”

I’m going to be fine. I don’t need supportive replies for myself. Instead, I invite a conversation supportive of those who’ve truly suffered in ways I still can’t comprehend. Also, be forewarned that I will delete comments that move the conversation away from compassion, understanding, and support.