Happy Outiversary to Me

January 20, 2020

Today is my “Outiversary.” It was one year ago today that a former friend outed me on Facebook, triggering a cascade of media attention that quickly circled the globe. The stories about me were generally not too bad, with the exception of Piers Morgan calling me a “sham” on Good Morning Britain. But hey, how many people can boast such a distinction?

So, where are things a year later? Here’s a five-part update.

First, I haven’t regretted my decision for one second. During my bisexual days, being with a woman honestly worked pretty well for me. I was able to maximize the heterosexual side of myself and make a mixed-orientation marriage work for most of my adult life. That is, except for the ever-present, ever-aching yearning to be with a man. With my sexuality changing to exclusively gay about three years ago—and my choice to live in integrity with that reality—has come an amazing freedom and peace. Bisexuality was a very tough road for me. Yes, it worked. But the cost was very high.

Second, I’m still ambivalent about my past work. Honestly, I did what I genuinely believed was right at the time. And as my understanding changed, I changed what I did. Nevertheless, I’m really sad that I believed, for so long, that homosexuality is a sin and a pathology. I regret that I placed ideology ahead of psychosexual integrity. I’m sorry that I wasn’t a more prepared therapist during the first 10 years of my practice. And I have remorse that I was part of the homonegative establishment for so long!

On the other hand, I eventually became an excellent therapist and my work helped hundreds of people. Many former clients have reached out to me to express gratitude—including some who eventually chose to live a gay life. I’m glad for that.

Third, my spiritual journey continues. Rather than live a double life, I renounced my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS). Yet, because I still believe core tenets of that faith, I continue to attend meetings with my surprisingly accepting LDS congregation. I believe being gay is acceptable to God—including having a relationship with a same-sex partner. God accepts gays and God has a plan for me even if church leaders are entirely clueless as to what that plan is.

Being an outsider within the Church, I can now see some of the dangers of LDS privilege. Among these dangers is the reduction of the individual spiritual journey to a simple covenant path, which I fear most see as a set of checkboxes guaranteeing entry into heaven. The strait and narrow path seems to have been upgraded to a Wall-E-like conveyor belt leading up the Tower of Babel.

I’m glad to be off that perfunctory conveyor. I’m grateful beyond words that my spiritual journey is now just between me and God with the LDS Church in a smaller supporting role rather than as the prime mover.

Forth, I’m disturbed and discouraged by how many in the gay community are so profoundly wounded and immature. Of course, I have also met some amazing, mature, loving, and generous men in the community. But so many guys are just terribly injured and under-developed. And I suspect they are feeling tremendous pain, which makes me hurt inside.

And finally, I’m still looking for Mr. Right. He should be tall enough to kiss a 6’4” man without tippy-toes. He has hopefully been on this planet for at least forty-five years. He must be actively caring for his body. He should be spiritually awake and have God first in his life. And he has to be doing his own work. Are you out there?

(May 2, 2025 Update: I am currently engaged to a man who is 6’4” and has been on this planet for thirty-five years.)