More On Chaste Same-sex Dating

December 20, 2021

My previous post about “chaste same-sex dating” stirred up beneficial, useless, and abusive commentary. A response seems warranted.

First, I have no ill will whatsoever toward Tom Christofferson and my post is not an attack on him. Tom is a public figure, as am I. We who choose to reveal aspects of our lives in such public ways understand that, by doing so, we give up the right to privacy around those things and lose control over how we are perceived and represented. We know we will be scrutinized, criticized, and disagreed with. And we understand that our words and actions have an influence greater than that of the average person. People who don't have the constitution to handle such attention and responsibility back away from the public view. Tom has not backed away.

If I were to have a personal and private conversation with Tom, I might also congratulate and encourage him for deciding to date, as so many others have. I support his process of making his life work. But because Tom is a public figure whose influence is great, and because I have a sense that his remarks over the past 4 years are harming some in the LGBQ community, I have an obligation to contradict it. And I do so knowing that, no matter what I say, some will hate me for it. As Fredrick Biedermann accurately pointed out, I "will always be seen [by some] as either (1) a fraud or (2) a traitor." That is part of MY burden as a public figure and I have the constitution to tolerate abuse by people like Fredrick.

I summarized my reason for writing that post in the statement, "I fear greatly for the many young [and not so young] religious LGBQ people, so inexperienced on life's journey, who are committing themselves to this dubious path." The "dubious path" I was referring to is that of externally imposed celibacy for LGBQ people, which situation I consider to be only exacerbated by endless chaste same-sex dating.

I am fully aware, and acknowledged in my post, that "perhaps some people can thrive under 'single and celibate,' with or without dating." I am not an enemy of free-will celibacy. And I'm no novice to the strategies involved with sexual addiction recovery, including the idea suggested by Harvey Erlich that "SEX is indeed optional" and that "Affection is not SEX!" Though I was not previously familiar with the practice of adelphopoiesis (also mentioned by Harvey), the idea of non-erotic "spiritual brotherhood" is well known in the ex-gay circles I inhabited and is beautiful and beneficial for people so disposed.

Yet, however beneficial these concepts may be in some circumstances, they simply do not apply to the average person, gay or straight. And when they are taken out of context by zealous advocates and applied where they don't belong, they can be extremely harmful. For the average person, sexual expression is a very important part of life. While sex is not synonymous with intimacy or affection, it can be the fullest expression of both. And for average couples, gay and straight, wholehearted sexual intimacy is part of the glue that holds healthy relationships together. Failure to recognize this is, in my opinion, naïve and indicative of an underlying sex-shaming ideology.

Now I'm speaking to my target audience, which is lesbian and gay people who participate in a conservative religion that demands abstinence from homosexual behavior. If you find the pursuit of that lifestyle to be joyful, strengthening and fulfilling, I encourage you to continue on that path, relying on God's grace to guide and sustain you. Let your life experiences be the path that leads you to God.

But if you find pursuit of that lifestyle to be distressing, draining, and empty, I encourage you to trust that God is calling you, through your orientation, to a different path. Rely on God's grace to guide and sustain you as you conform your life to the nature God created in you and let your life experiences be the path that leads you to God.